I started this blog six months ago. At that moment in time, I was in a place of chaos, lost. Old emotions were resurfacing, and I couldn't block them out. They were consuming me. Within two weeks, I had deleted my whole blog, except for my first entry, and my poetry, and went back on lexapro. This blog has helped to find things inside of myself I have forgotten were there. It has made me want to write again, and share that with people who would be interested in my thoughts. I have forgotten about it at times, I try to remember. Yet, time escapes me.

Now my cycle has come to that 6 months spot again. Again, I am confused, again it consumes me. This time it is different though. I am still on lexapro, it isn't old feeling that have risen from the abyss. Its being poor, and young, and not feeling like I am ready for life most of the time. On top of it all, usually Jake is the stable one. Now it is my turn, I am not very good at it. He is struggling. Feeling as though he can not provide for us, wants to turn tail and run. Now I am all for running, abandoning everything in my wake. Now we have Alexa, and this is the huge difference in our life. Things are more complicated, there are more things to move, more details to take care of. We can not just be dumb and in our twenties. WE have to be parents in our twenties. And this makes life so very complicated. This beautiful little girl, that we created, depends on us for everything. Sometimes the pressure is to great. How can I live this life for me anymore. How can I make a decision for her, that I know is best for us. But would really put us in the poor house. I feel as though I might crack. Yet I have to be the strong one now, Jake needs that from me. I need to hold my ground, and sacrifice all I can for them. I do that willingly. I would sacrifice my life for them, if it would help them both have a better life. But that is not what needs to be done, and this is were my confusion comes in. I have no idea what needs to be done. I have no one who can tell me what needs to be done. I am an adult, holy crap. I am an adult!!